Exercise text:
Johnny and Ken share an apartment.
For the past week Ken's friend has stayed over every night.
This
affects Ken's sleeping, and he didn't do well on a test one morning.
Using good conflict resolution skills, work
though Johnny and Ken's issue and resolution to the problem.
Select what you think is the best italic option
and read the answer:
Hey Ken, can we talk
about your friend spending nights here and how it's affecting me?
Hey Ken, why does your friend have to stay here all the time?
Johnny grabs Ken by the shoulder and tells him he's tired of this.
Johnny first asks Ken
if they can talk about the issue without challenging him on it.
Johnny summarized it
clearly, without being offensive or attacking.
The second question
is more attacking and catches Ken off guard and he is likely to
respond in a negative, defensive manner.
The third option is
totally inappropriate since it is more like a physical attack, and
doesn’t even refer to the issue!
"Sure, what's up Johnny? You said you were
chill with it before..."
I know we agreed it
was ok. But last Thursday I wasn't able to sleep and so didn't do
well on my test Friday morning. I'd really appreciate it if we could
work something out.
Yeah I changed my
mind, he stays too often and I don't like it!
Johnny should push Ken
for reminding Johnny he was OK with it.
The first answer is
best: Johnny first acknowledges that he has changed his view, and
has then given a specific example as to how this is affecting him.
He is trying to help Ken understand his point of view.
Keeping a calm tone encourages cooperation.
It is also important
to have the goal of a compromise in mind. If Johnny is vague,
or doesn't provide good examples or reasons, it is harder for Ken to
understand him.
Both may then become
defensive, and stop listening to each other. Johnny should instead
remain calm and provide specific examples as to how it is affecting
him.
He is applying
good feedback
Remember: the one
who initiates the conversation, has responsibility to guide the
situation to a good solution.
The third response is
totally in appropriate since it is a physical attack.
"Hey Johnny, your test scores are bad because
you play video games all day!"
Please don't change
the subject, Ken. I don't mind that you friend visits but I would really
appreciate some kind of compromise.
What?! Who says I am
getting bad test scores! I just need a good night's sleep!
Johnny punches Ken for
insulting him.
The first answer is
the best: It is hard to stay calm when the other person begins to
bring up or attacks you with other issues.
However, staying on subject and remaining calm helps a lot when
dealing with conflict resolution.
The burden of controlling the conversation should stay with Johnny
who initiates it since Ken is not prepared, and may not know how to
react or bring up topics that he thinks relate…
So Ken was wrong in
changing the subject out of his frustration since Johnny may have
caught him off his guard. Johnny however should stay on subject and
stay calm. And violence is never an option and a good way to ruin a
friendship.
"OK, I'm sorry, Johnny. If his visits are really
bothering you, I can try to be flexible."
Thanks for
understanding. I feel like it has been especially hard for my 8:00
class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Ken, you should pick
five nights next month that your friend can stay over!
Johnny shrugs and does
not listen or accept that Ken is trying.
The first is best.
First of all, it is good to recognize that Ken has done two things:
He has acknowledged that he changed the subject. Secondly he
elaborates on what is bothering him (lack of sleep and poor
performance on studies).
Johnny, though his
body language, voice, and eye contact should pay attention to what
Ken is saying, and give positive reinforcement to any helpful
gesture he makes.
The second option is
not bad even though we could interpret it as offering an
alternative. Johnny should not tell Ken what to do when trying to
resolve a conflict without out offering a compromise. This causes
resistance and hard feelings. Instead he should try to be
considerate of the Ken's feelings and viewpoint, and work into a
solution with him.
Last option? Practice
active listening.
"Well Johnny, maybe I can ask my friend to not
come over before your classes on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays."
"That’s great Ken, and I can end video games by midnight on
Wednesdays and play somewhere else on Friday nights."
Here they have both
built in a compromise. Johnny has offered something even though it
was not the issue, but rather a gesture. Notice that Ken has taken
the lead and made the first step, and Johnny is quick to acknowledge
the gesture and offered something even if he did not consider it
part of the issue.
Johnny could have just
refused Ken, or told him that it was his problem. But by
working together they both benefit.
A collaborative
conflict resolution process will not eliminate
tension in a relationship immediately, but over time, eliminating
the source of tension, and overcoming difficulties can result in
growth for all of us.
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